Roosevelt knows best!
by lexiaarcadia
Summary: Sequal to The sock war, crackfic involving moodslime, talking soft toys and crazy docs.


-1Author: Radarhunnihawk

Title: Roosevelt knows best!

Rating: PG-13

Pairing: BJ/Hawkeye

Notes: This story is crackfic! It is also the sequel of the Sock war that was requested by crowds of , well admittedly not so many but some brave souls. Thanks to hotspur18 for ideas and encouragement and the co-ownership of the dragon.

Warning: This is OOC. That is because it is crack. Crack!fic should be taken with a large pinch of salt, a suspension of disbelief, and a good sense of humour. The teddy bear may be in character. Unless you think he really is President Roosevelt, in which case, not.

Flames are cool. We like flames. We live in England where it snows in March. This we do not like. Fortunately we have a dragon. The dragon uses flames to melt chocolate and save energy. Mmm, melted chocolate...and heat!

Oh and Whilst I may co-own a dragon, I do not own the rights to MASH or make any money from it. Anybody who tries to claim otherwise will be fed to the Dragon. Oh and this is un beta read, which may mean that I should also be used to feed the dragon for any and all mistakes made in this.

It was an ordinary winters day at the 4077th. Well not ordinary as that would be a long session in the OR. So it was just a winters day in the compound of the MASH 4077th. A winters day for Hawkeye and BJ that had so far included fighting over socks, encounting a talking Teddy ear and to top it all mood slime. The socks were normal enough, the talking teddy bear they could put down to the fact it belonged to Radar. The mood slime was hard to explain though. And proving even harder to remove.

"I can not believe we are about to do this" BJ Hunnicutt grumbled as he found himself hopping across the compound. It was not the mood slime that was causing the issue. Whilst walking on it caused a weird tingling sensation that was not entirely unpleasant that was not the reason for his hopping. (Though the mood slime may have other opinions on the matter, not being accustomed to being squished by a human foot!) No the reason he was hopping was the camps head nurse. Or rather being , erm forcefully removed, from her tent.

"Just tell them Ange, She literally threw them out!"

Yes thank you talking teddy bear. You need a name. Roosevelt will do for now.

"Ah enough of the historical references already, just get on with the sex!"

In good time, Roosevelt, in good time. Where was I? Oh yes, Margaret Houlihan. The thing was she did not like people knowing about her stash of peroxide. She liked to pretend that she was a naturally born blonde rather than a more natural brunette. So when Hawkeye and BJ asked to borrow some peroxide at the suggestion of a talking teddy bear to remove mood slime she was not impressed. The result being when they tried to break into her tent later that day only to be caught she was so mad she , as Roosevelt has already revealed, threw them out. She then ate the melted chocolate as provided by our dragon. Lesson to everyone, Never separate a woman from her chocolate!

Roosevelt says "The lesson is actually never attempt to steal a head nurses peroxide!"

Or maybe its never steal Franks socks.

"Yeah that to!"

Which would be why two fully grown men where now tracking down Roosevelt the incredible talking Teddy Bear for more advice. However Roosevelt apparently did not want to be found. He was content to be hugged by Radar and drink Coffee. He was eventually discovered in Cournal Potters office. Which was an issue as BJ did not particularly want to explain why he was talking to a Teddy Bear , or the mood slime. Come to think of it he did not want to explain how he had developed the limp either.

But never Fear as Klinger was near the Bear would like me to type. So I have.

Roosevelt, when did you learn poetry skills? Ah never mind. As already pointed out, Maxwell "I will do anything for a section Eight" Klinger was all to willing to wonder in and obtain the information required. Unfortunately Roosevelt is also a slash fan. Besides, as followers of this tale know, in order to gain the information about the peroxide they had agreed to Angst Sex! Klinger slightly disturbed passed on this information to them.

It is not easy to describe the look on our hero's faces when informed of this fact. It would be even harder to describe the look on their faces when informed that Roosevelt would only offer an alternative solution if the Angst sex was performed whilst wrestling in either mud or baked beans. Eyewitness reports suggest that on the day in question two doctors ran for the cover of Rosie's bar screaming "Save me now, everyone has gone nuts!" in alarmingly high pitched voices only to be rivalled by a hysterical three year old screaming for ice-cream. Roosevelt informs me that would be Doctors Hunnicutt and Pierce.

So after getting drunker than , well a very drunk person . ( I never claimed to be a comedian Okay!) they finally where in a state of Angst. Proper Angst, the nastiest state of angst they had ever been in. It had been a confusing day for them. BJ was missing Peg and still had mood slime on his foot. Hawkeye for his part was just drunk and extremely randy. Which is how despite their initial terror they found themselves in a supply tent doing what angst ridden people in supply tents do. How the mud ended up in there is anyone's guess but when our doctors woke up caked in mud and hung over miraculously the mood slime was gone! Hurray!

Actually the angst sex went a little bit like this. Somehow in their incredibly drunk and angst ridden state they had a conversation. Whilst the exact contents of the conversation are unknown, Hawkeye slurred that he thought Roosevelt might be right and besides he loved BJ in a way more than a friend. Somehow the fact that Hawkeye was horny and he wanted some not so clean adult fun with BJ also was brought up. BJ being equally as drunk and in a state of shock when Hawkeye kissed him seemed to think this was the best suggestion he had heard all day. So clothes magically disappeared and well kissing and groaning occurred. Hand did what hands tend to do in situations like that and well after that one can imagine what happened. And if you can not then your probably too young to understand how that kind of thing works. So angst sex was performed, a fact that did not go unnoticed the next day but that would be a complication and emotions and stuff to be dealt with after their hangovers. Or so they agreed anyways. These things can never truly be dealt with. After all sex is messy and fun but sometimes just too complicated to explain and Roosevelt is not going to help me out with that one.

However Roosevelt has asked me to type whilst he dictates, which is fair enough. Who am I to argue with a talking teddy bear?

"They should have just listened to me in the first place but males being males do not! The peroxide is a good way of dissolving mood slime granted but not the best way. I only told them that because , well who wouldn't want to see a woman throw two grown men out of her tent? The only proper way to remove mood slime is Angst sex! The mud was just an added bonus. And this voyeuristic teddy bear managed to get pictures, available from the imagination of any pervy MASH fan girls anywhere. "

But why the baked beans Ange has just asked.

"Well why not?"

Fair enough. And that ladies and gentlemen is the chronicle of BJ and Hawkeye's action packed winters day.

I thank you!


End file.
